Game Day Artichoke Dip - You Suck at Cooking (episode 71)

Hhhhh *stretch* *crick* Mmmmm *crack* You suck at cooking, yeah you totally suck So we're gonna take some Parmesan cheese, get that grated into smithereens, and then put 1 cup of that Parmesan into a bowl *ding ding* Then, we're gonna crack open a couple of mayo pods Usually, two is enough to get a 1/2 cup Throw that in the bowl, aaand... Then a 1/2 cup of sour cream. You basically want 1 cup of Parmesan to 1 cup of wet stuff. That could be a cup of Parm, 1/2 cup mayo, 1/2 cup greek yogurt That could be 1/2 cup Parmesanio, 1/3 mayo, 1/3 sour cream, 1/3 greek yogurt Could be 1 cup Parmesanezia, 1/2 cup mayo, 1/2 cup sour cream, 1/2 cup cream cheese If you're a maniac, it can be 1 cup Parmesanana and 1 cup mayo or it could be 1 cup Parmesan to 1/2 cup mayo and a 1/2 cup water with white food coloring in it Y O U   D E C I D E.

Then, you're gonna need a leek and because it's game day, I'm gonna chop this with my Knifesketball It's far more efficient than a conventional chopping knife because... You utilize the bounce, which basically chops it for you and this is a great example of why physics is a good thing, and not a bad thing. I'm gonna take some garlic, aaaand... Because it's game day, I'm gonna use my Shredminton Racket These things are amazing at picnics.

To combine this, I'm gonna use my official 2018 Federer Edition Grand Slamjangler They only made a hundred thousand of these. I'm gonna crack *tss* open a cold one *khh* with the boys *fffsssshhhhhhhh* and because it's game day, I'm gonna cut these up with my... Chopping knife *cutting these up with a Chopping Knife intensifies* Let's add in those artichokes, some salt, some pepper pepper pepper... And because it's game day, I'm gonna throw in a slash a Hocksauce There's a lot of other things you could add to this: basil, roasted red pepper, sun-dried tomato, jalapeo, anything you think might taste good even though you're wrong aaaand we're gonna...

Pour this into a shallow baking dish that I stole from my sister without telling her but that's how you get for taking back the Vitamix Undoh's on four hundo, and we're gonna let that bake until the top starts to brown. If you don't have an undoh or you want to save money on electricity, you can just chuck it in a hot car for a few hours... And then once you eat it, you can drive yourself directly to the hospital. *S L A M* While that's baking, we're gonna get ready for the big game.

I've got my mini keg... Helmet, so I won't have to get up too often to get another drink I've got my catheter, so I won't have to get up at all... Got my game day shirt Everyone knows I'm a HUGE Glitterbacks fan If they winOH, this stuff's gonna be EVERYWHERE! I've got my let's party sign so everyone knows... It's time to party I've got my emotional guidance chart so I remember how to respond depending on how the game goes I got my lucky football for my second favorite team *Windows shutdown sound* Go on MVP *bluescreen of silence* If we win, I've got some extra beer to celebrate with If we lose, I've got...

Some extra beer to drink I got my ref insult practice station here Hey, ref! Why don't you STOP being a jack wagon, and start REFFING for once in your life! High five, high five, high five, high five Hey, ref! You couldn't ref, even if you had very, specific, reffing instructions that told you how to DO it right! High five, high five, high five, high five Now, the final step to getting ready for the big game is to make sure everyone knows who the alpha is. I do that by wearing my yellow belt, so every dude in the room knows I can take him. If you're wearing one of these, you're not gonna get challenged 99 out of a thousand times. I got my eye drops I put an entire bottle in each eye so that I will not, blink, once.

And the most important quality of the alpha is height If you're only 7' 2" like me, you're gonna need a pair of alpha pumps. This allows me to tower over everybody These things are a little tricky to walk in, so if I'm having a cocktail, I throw it in a sippy cup... Because if I spill something, that clumsiness will immediately open up a challenge to my alpha authority. *B I G   S I P P* If someone DOES decide to challenge you, put your foot down, stay calm, and reveal your "I'm the alpha" shirt underneath your game day shirt.

If the dude won't back down, slip him 20 bucks and say, "Hey man, is it cool if... I'm the alpha, just for today? I mean, like, I made all the snacks, it's my apartment, and it would... Really mean a lot, uh, to me... I-i-if you're cool with that." This works every time.

So now that we know a hundred percent who the alpha is, I'm gonna get back in the kitchen and check on that dip. *Graceful alpha walk* *reverb on* Observe how the dip is lightly golden crusted, bubbling steadily like a hot mayo and artichoke volcano. *Reverb off* You can eat this with crackers, you can eat this with tortilla chips... I'm gonna eat this with cauliflower, since I'm totally getting ripped on keto right now Just throw in a bit of a...

Game day golf ball garnish here... And let's get out there and, uh, go sports!  SPORTS!  SPORTS!  SPORTS!   Let's play sports!   BOOKS!  BOOKS!  BOOKS!   Let's read books!   Let's play sports and let's read books and   be well-rounded human beings!   SPORTS!   BOOKS!   SPORTS! .